Smlwoman\’s Weblog

“Waiting for that golden moment when fear and desire die, and only the unspeakable reality of love remains. “

Meeting Old Friends November 9, 2007

Filed under: my thoughts — smlwoman @ 12:06 am

Last month I ran into the lady who was an essencial tool in bringing me to Salvation.  She was the one who shared the gospel with me and took me under her wing. 

She said we should get together for lunch.  Her life has changed and is completely different now.  I heard myself say,”Mine too!”  Then we hugged, exchanged numbers and I walked away.  All the time thinking, “What did I just say?  How is my life so different from when she knew me?”

I’ve been struggling with some issues as a single person lately.  I’m 38, still single, not even dating anyone, no kids, and still living in Reno.  Sounds just like I was when I met her at 22. 

Things that are different: I am a nanny instead of a preschool teacher.  I moved to WI as an adventure, worked and lived in the innercity of Milwaukee.  Worked with the kids in the neighborhood.  I have a nephew now, and moved back to reno to be with him.  I really don’t go to church, although I still have a relationship with Jesus. 

I have had some exciting things happen in my life.  But my life is not any different then it was when I met her.  I struggle with that.

But there doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it. So many things that I want are out of my hands.  I can’t make them happen. Any time I’ve tried to make things happen, it ends in tears. 

I want a child.  Can’t afford to adopt, cant afford to do artificial insemination, thought about going out and just finding any ole guy, couldn’t bring myself to do it, thought about convincing a friend, didn’t work the way I thought it would.  I have to just continue to wait on God.  I’ve been waiting a long, long time.  I would say I can’t wait much longer, but I don’t have a choice.  There are no other options.

I used to know women in the church or at work who were single and in the same place I am now.  I never, never wanted to be like those women.  I would cry out of fear of being like them.  I would pray daily for God to intercede.  But it is not in God’s plans.  And I don’t know why.  And now at 38, I am one of those women.

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