Smlwoman\’s Weblog

“Waiting for that golden moment when fear and desire die, and only the unspeakable reality of love remains. “

Is It Really God? February 8, 2008

Filed under: my thoughts,Uncategorized — smlwoman @ 6:41 pm

Here is where I am going to take out my frustrations so I can fight getting flippant with God. 

I need a new car.  Mine is a two door, I need a four door.  Yes, I could make due with the 2 door.  But my car has over 100,000 miles on it.  It is a Kia Sportage 2door.  Never, never buy one. Mine is paid for in full.  However, it has only been paid off for 2 years. I put over 4.000 dollars into car repairs in the past two years.  2,000 in 06 and 2,000 in 07.  By now my car should be running great!


I have been looking for a new car now for about a month.  I have researched the car I could afford that would still fit my needs, and that would be good quality. Can’t get a brand new one, but could get an 03 to an 05.  The dealers in Reno insist on pricing the cars way too high.  California is about 4 grand less for the same cars.  Our nonfranchised dealers seem to do a much better job at pricing the cars.  The car I want is not easy to find.  They last, so most people keep them for a long time. 


I am trying to get a Honda Crv with low miles. I want a car that will last. So when I am done with payments I can actually enjoy having a car with no payments.   I found one in Auburn.  An 03 with 45,000 miles on it.  $15,500  not including taxes.  But the people I got my loan through won’t let  me buy from them because they are not a franchised lot. And they are out of town.  So I give up and look around town.  I find an 04 74,000 miles for $16,900 out the door.  Too much for me, although they did come down about two thousand dollars.  But payment wise it isn’t enough.  I pray for God to help me find a Honda CrV that I can afford that has low miles. 

A few days later I find one on craigs list that is through a dealer here locally.  I call they have it still.  An 05, with only 39,000 miles on it.  I go in and someone else is test driving it.  So I say if they don’t take it give me a call.  He said wait, they aren’t interested in it.  So I look it over, take it for a test drive.  It has everything I want and need in the car.  He will give me 3,500 for my pos.  The other car dealer would only give me one thousand.  He can get me out the door with my car as a trade at 14,900.  That  puts my payments a bit under what I could afford.  (Are you getting excited?)I asked if he has used this loan company before and he said yes.  Oh, by the way, the dealer sees my cross in my car and says,”your a christian too?”  I say yes, and find out he attends my previous home church.  I was at that church for 11 years. (Even I am getting excited)

Now how many Christians would say this is God at work?  I would, I really want to.  But as I mentioned before, saying that really doesn’t work out for me.  I always wind up dissapointed.  What would you think at this point?

He calls the loan company to put it all together and they say he is not an approved nonfranchised dealership.  So he says he will try to get me a loan through his new finance company.  Ok, I am still hopefull. 

Faith is the conviction of things not seen. 

I also try to get a loan through the credit union.  

While I am waiting to hear from the dealer, my car starts to pull, like it is choking, or getting ready to die.  I have a full tank of gas. After a bit it goes away.  I drive for a couple more days.  Still no word from the dealer.  Yesterday my breaks begin to grind.  This normally means metal on metal.  We have changed the pads twice in one year.  It is a bad trait of the kia cars.  Still no word from the dealer.  I have talked with him, but the loan hasn’t even been submitted because they are still trying to set it up with the new company.  Now I have to wait till monday.  Driving to my brothers work to get the brakes looked at and fixed, the engine begins to pull, choke, and scare the crap out of me.  So I drive home.  I begin to choke back tears and fear.  Please don’t break down yet. 

A mile from my home the credit union calls and the loan is a no go. 

I begin to cry.  I want to yell at God.  But I don’t want to be like Moses and lash out and lose my chance to get into the promised land.  (That would be the new car)  So I pull into my driveway and come on here to write.  I cancel my plans.  Don’t feel like doing anything now. 

I don’t understand.  God knows I need a new car.  He knows the prices at the franchised dealers are out of my payment range.  He knows my car is about to die.  If it does I won’t get a trade for it.  And the price of the new car goes up to where I can’t afford it.  I just don’t get it.  Monday seems so far away.  I don’t want to drive my car this weekend.  And I have place to go.  I have even asked others for prayer. 

So I have to have faith.  But I am afraid to.    What if it doesn’t go through, what does that mean?  That I didn’t have faith of even a mustard seed?  That I misinterpreted the situation?  I just don’t get it. Any thoughts out there?


2 Responses to “Is It Really God?”

  1. Dawson Says:

    Huh. I don’t understand the ways of God. I have had times of frustration with Him looked back and thought, “Wow you saved me from that one. If I would have gotten what I wanted it would have turned out to be disasterous.” On the other hand I’ve had times where I look back and think, “That would have been great and I still don’t know why you allowed it.” What I do know is this: God is good. He gives good gifts to His children. He watches over His children. He loves His children more than they realize. But waiting is agonizing and the world, the flesh, and the devil would have us turn our backs on God and do things ourselves. I’m sorry this isn’t turning out the way that you wanted it. Hang in there and I will pray that God shows you His love.

  2. Womens Shoes Says:

    Very interesting and helpful post.
    Thx, your blog in my RSS reader now 😉

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