Smlwoman\’s Weblog

“Waiting for that golden moment when fear and desire die, and only the unspeakable reality of love remains. “

I was not expecting that… January 7, 2011

Wow, it has been a while since I have been on here. Taking care of four kids as a single mom will do that to a person.

Being a foster mom is just about what I thought it would be like. I paid attention in class. However, even though I paid attention and have heard of this happening, I was still caught off guard when it happened to me.

I have two girls who have been with me just since September 1, 2010. There have been many ups and downs. The four year old and I have had a lot of challenges that I have seen improve over the past few months. I always keep in mind whatever I know of past experiences for my foster kids, and that helps a lot. But challenges can wear anyone down. I absolutely love these two girls and wish they could stay with me, but I have known all along they were going to be reunited with family.

The family they will be reunited with are amazing and strong and trust in the Lord. I have a sense of peace for this transition that will be taking place soon. It is my job to begin preparing the girls for the move and so this is where my story actually begins.

On the drive home tonight it was pure chaos. My two four year olds were arguing like crazy all day. And I was just about out of patience, but a conversation came up between the two kids about getting to go to a family members to stay the night. I used this time as a way to bring up how exciting it will be for this little girl to soon get to live with her family member forever. And the little girl looked so shocked! Like I had just knocked the wind out of her, and she began to cry. ” I want to stay with you Jody.” I was taken aback by this response. She absolutely adores this family member and gets so excited every time she gets to go and stay the night. But at that moment the whole mood in the car changed. Because I was driving I told her we would talk about it more at home so I could actually hold her while I finished explaining it all to her. But she continued to cry softly and kept repeating, ” I really want to stay with you Jody.”

Why does this shock me? Because of how much she adores her family. Because of how often she tells me she hates me, even though I know it is just a coping tactict to deal with new boundries and rules, because she had been in such a mood all week that I thought for sure she would be excited. I never knew. She has always said she wanted to live with this family member. Her older sister has always expressed wanting to stay with me, and I see mood changes when we talk about it, but I never knew she, herself, wanted to stay.

When we got home I talked to her alone in her room. I held her and told her that I loved her so much, and that if it was my choice she would stay with me forever, but that her family missed her and really loved her a lot too and it was good for her to go back to live with them. That she would be safe and loved and cared for with her family. That her sister would be with her and her pets would be there too. She was trying to accept it, but was still crying and saying she wanted to stay with me. I finally ended with a big hug and told her, ” you have so many people that love you and all wish we could keep you, but only one of us can keep her, but that we would all stay in her life as best as we can.” She stopped crying and I told her again I loved her and we went out in the kitchen to make dinner. She was so perfectly behaved that I was fearful that she was hoping if she behaved I wouldn’t make her leave. Please pray for these two girls and their transition to their family’s home. Pray for both myself and this family member to know how to help them through the transition, and for God to give us the right words to say to comfort them. And finally for my own two children that started to get concerned that they would not get to stay with me forever and ever.

It was so hard to tell them that they would never have to leave me while not being able to tell that to the other two children. It just broke my heart. I was completely ready for this transition until tonight. Now I am left in wonder of all the things that transpired this evening.

I will say that I truley love being a foster mom and I NEVER thought I would feel that way. Who knew God’s calling for my life would be right here in my own back yard.


2 Responses to “I was not expecting that…”

  1. Rebecca Says:

    Oh my dear, you truly do have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met in the entirety of my life (and that’s 40 years, so that’s sayin somethin!)

    Those kids are so blessed to have you as part of their lives and I am sure, when the time comes, you will know just what to say to make everything alright for them. I know your heart will be hurting, shoot, mine is breaking for you, just from reading your post, but it will be what is meant to be.

    I know I am not an every day fixture in your life, but from just the little time we’ve spent together, no matter what children you’re caring for, you’re always amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. smlwoman Says:

    Reblogged this on Smlwoman’s Weblog and commented:

    Im so glad I blogged this! I had forgotten about it.
    I can’t believe I never updated this. These two girls got to stay with me. They are adopted and mine. We still have a relationship with the biological family member in this memory. She is the biological maternal grandmother. As I watched Her prepare to have these girls live with her I was struck how strong she was! I also watched the behavior of the 4 year old grow and grow and become more of a challenge. I started to worry it would be overwhelming for yhe grandma. So one day I told the grandma,” if this ever gets too o erwhelming and you would like to just be grandma I will adopt them and she can still be part of their life as grandma. Just let me know.” She was intrigued and said she would keep that in mind. After having time to think about it she asked if we could get together and talk. So we met at a McDonald’s with a play place and we talked while the kids played. We talked about how it would work. My biggest thing I pointed out is that I may not always live in the same state but at this time had no plans of moving any time soon but that it is always a possibility. We talked about how she was the safe family member and that I would keep that open. The next day I called the worker to let her know what we discussed and the worker told me that the grandmother was in her office at that moment telling her she wanted me to adopt her grand daughters! The worker had never seen anything like it. We laughed.
    It still took another year to adopt but the grandma was at our adoption and stood up and spoke. Brought us both to tears. We kept to our plan. Eventually overnight visit stopped because less safe family members had a bad habit of just showing up at her home. But we still get together regularly and I invite her to every event I can. It’s a little harder as the kids have become teens but that’s a natural event between grownups and teens. She treats my other kids as her own grandkids.
    She is a wonderful addition to our family. We also keep up with the oldest biological sister and see her as often as we can. And the growth of these two girls, especially the 5 year old who is now 11, is just Amazing to see! It’s an open adoption in this case. It shows that each disruption is different and should be treated as such. I would never have an open adoption with the other two kids I’ve adopted but this one has worked out well for all involved. So much happened in between that I wish I blogged about. Ups and downs, but I loved reading this memory!

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